When Her Looks Start to Fade
July 17, 2011 § 1 Comment
I have helped several women over the years who have been the source of verbal and sometimes physical abuse towards their partners. If you are a guy that has ever been on the receiving end of this you may understand how difficult this situation can be and how little is understood about why some women suffer from this problem. Here is a woman who feels she can yell or scream to get she wants. She will cry. She’ll curse. In extreme situations she’ll throw a curling iron, tear up a hotel room, scream in the lobby of the apartment building until someone calls the cops. She’ll stand at the bar and curse out the toughest guy in the room and never even blink, never think twice about her well being. She feels completely justified in her actions. She impels violence from questionable men, men who other guys wouldn’t even pick a fight with, but she seems to have no boundaries about what she can and cannot do. As soon as she meets a man that doesn’t feel like an inferior subject to her, she will probably end up in big trouble. But our society does women a disservice when they don’t hold them responsible for their side of the abuse. Men are most often held accountable for abuse or if a guy were to beat up a verbally abuse woman, he would be punished, as he should be, but there would be no one there to address the woman’s rage. We’ll send him to counseling, but the pain the woman is in will never be addressed, most of the time won’t even be acknowledged.
So the cycle continues. She feels she can “get away” with this behavior and the man, usually, doesn’t want to act on the anger that she is inciting from him. He already knows how that will end. She sails through her twenties like a sex goddess, untouchable, above everyone, everything, even the law. She has to take responsibility for nothing and she knows that if something bad happens to her, we will all look to her as the only victim in the situation. She forces herself and others to believe that the violence she is displaying has to be not only tolerated, but that her assessment of the situation is absolutely correct and warrants her behavior.
There are two ways this behavior can finally come to a halt. The first scenario is the more unfortunate of the two.
#1. She will eventually attract a person that can match her violence, someone that won’t take being verbally or physically abused easily and won’t keep his own temper in check. We can imagine how this will go if these two meet.
Scenario number two is much more pleasant, but the harder of the two roads.
#2. She meets someone that she wants to have a relationship with, perhaps even marry and her mate doesn’t want to live with someone that acts this way. Now if she wants to keep the relationship she will have to do some work. The tricky part about this scenario is that she won’t feel pushed to change until she reaches the point that her sexual lure starts to crumble. After all it is her attractiveness and sexual power that have propped up the entitlement to rage at a man. What happens when her looks start to fade? She isn’t the immortal goddess her attitude has lead everyone around her to believe she is. Her choice is to be washed away in an ongoing wave of failing relationships or she can choose to create something better by setting aside the diamond studded boxing gloves in order to begin to build a life based on trust. Up until this point she hasn’t treated men with the kind of respect that would warrant having a meaningful relationship.
Look at it this way. The divorce rate in this country is 50%. If you polled the fifty percent that do stay married, you may find that those who remain married do so for reasons other than happiness. If you went into a job interview and your future employer said their is a fifty percent chance you will get fired and even if you stay on, there is a good chance you are not going to be happy, but you’ll stay because you need the job. Would you take the job? This is how she can look at her marriage prospects if she decides to move forward without addressing her anger.
She must have the baseline realization, “Maybe I don’t know. Maybe I don’t know if I should act this way? Maybe I don’t know who I am really mad at? I don’t know, but I want to find out. I want to find out because being angry isn’t a good life. I don’t feel happy when I am yelling. I don’t feel happy when I am hurting others. Maybe I don’t know if this is the right route to take in life.” She has to build some humility to reach this point and most of us can’t muster enough humility to admit we are wrong until all other options have run out. Her choice is to make her life an ongoing circus of abusive moments, attacking or being attacked, or she can begin to unearth and clear out the ideas that are causing her pain. She can move on to be a more stable, happy person, someone that can build a life with another. She can choose to stop the cycle of violence.